TITLE: Over the Hills and Far Away
AUTHOR: Leslie Sholly
E-MAIL ADDRESS: PennySyc@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, with permission.
SPOILER WARNING: None. For the purposes of this story, assume that Scully has never gotten up close and personal with any aliens.
RATING: PG (language)
CLASSIFICATION: CXH
KEYWORDS: UST
SUMMARY: Mulder talks Scully into investigating some very strange sightings.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I am using them without permission. I'm not making any money, just having fun!

FEEDBACK: Please, to PennySyc@aol.com (Leslie) This is my first (and quite possibly my last) crossover and humor piece. Let me know how I did!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: at the end.

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Over the Hills and Far Away
by Leslie Sholly
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    Dana Scully sat bolt upright in bed, heart pounding. Automatically she fumbled for her weapon in the darkness. Then the ringing of her bedside phone reminded her what had waked her.

    She looked at the glowing numbers of her digital clock. 3:37 a.m. Only one person would be calling at this hour on a Saturday morning. Only one person would dare. "Damn it, Mulder," she muttered under her breath as she picked up the phone. "What is it?"

    "Uh, hi, Scully," Mulder said uncertainly. "How did you know it was me?"

    "Christ, Mulder!" Scully exploded in annoyance. "Even telemarketers don't call at this hour. This had better be good."

    Somewhat taken aback, Mulder was uncharacteristically silent.

    Scully sighed. Turning the annoyance in her voice down a notch, she asked, "What's wrong, Mulder?"

    "Well, nothing's *wrong*, exactly, Scully, it's just--"

    "Nothing's wrong! Mulder, it is 3 a.m. 3:39 a.m., as a matter of fact. Do you or don't you have a particular reason for calling me at this ungodly hour?"

    "Well, yes, I do. And I'm sorry I woke you. To be honest, I didn't notice how late--how *early*--it was."

    "Haven't you gone to bed at all? Mulder, you were exhausted when you left the office this afternoon."

    "I meant to go to bed early, Scully. But I went online to check my mail and there was something intriguing from a friend of mine. We went back and forth with it for awhile, then I did some research on the 'net. Scully," Mulder's voice was getting that excited tone it always had when he was about to tell her about a particularly outlandish idea, "I really think we should go check this out."

    "Check *what* out?" Scully said, exasperated.

    "Look, I don't want to go into it over the phone, O.K.? Let me come over there and I'll tell you all about it. Better yet, we can talk on the way."

    "On the way *where*?"

    "Scully, you get ready, O.K.? We don't have much time. All the sightings have been at sunrise and we have a 45 minute drive."

    "Sure. Fine. Whatever." Scully hung up.

    When she emerged from the shower, luckily in a terry cloth bathrobe, Mulder had already let himself in. He had on jeans and a black t-shirt and he was holding two cups of coffee from 7-11.

    "Can't you hurry, Scully?" he pleaded. "And this is casual today, O.K.? Don't waste time with makeup. You don't need it anyway."

    Scully couldn't help being pleased by that remark although she didn't comment on it. She went back to her room and slipped into her own jeans and a navy mock turtleneck. She blew her hair dry and put it in a pony-tail. Without makeup, her face was pale, and the freckles on her nose were plainly visible. She shrugged at her reflection. "Whatever, Mulder," she said, turning out the light and going back to the living room to meet her partner.

    Mulder handed Scully her coffee and herded her down to his car. It was still pitch black and oddly silent for Georgetown. Even the drunkest partiers had long since crashed by this hour. Mulder didn't speak until he had driven across the Key Bridge into Rosslyn and onto I-66. Then he smiled at the look of long-suffering patience on Scully's face.

    "Thanks for coming with me, Scully. We've got to drive almost to Front Royal, so there's plenty of time for me to explain now."

    "So, you heard from a friend . . . " she prompted him.

    "Yeah, he's heard of these sightings in Britain. It's been going on there for quite some time. He'd been meaning to write me about since he figured I'd be interested, but hadn't gotten around to it. Then today he heard they'd been sighted in Virginia and he didn't want me to miss the opportunity to investigate myself."

    "Mulder, just exactly what has been sighted? Werewolves, vampires, chupacabras, mutants, the Great Mutato, Elvis, Satanist PTA members? What?"

    "Um, they would appear to be . . . E.B.E.s, Scully."

    "You dragged me out of my bed in the middle of the night to look for little grey men?"

    "Actually, Scully, these are different. They're . . . big, for one thing. And--not grey. More like rainbow-colored."

    "Rainbow-colored?"

    Well, I mean--not individually. It's just that they're all different colors. Bright colors."

    "And your friend saw these with the help of what extra-curricular substance?"

    "My friend didn't see them, Scully. But lots of other people have, all over England. Always at daybreak, in pastoral settings. And now the sightings have begun here."

    Scully had her very best skeptical face on. It was Mulder's turn to sigh. "O.K., Scully. I know it sounds incredible. But it's gonna be a beautiful morning. And it's pretty out here. And I'll buy you breakfast on the way home."

    It was still too dark to see but Scully knew Mulder was right. I-66 became rural very quickly. D.C. felt days away. And breakfast in the country with her handsome partner, who got so cute when he was excited about chasing E.B.E.s, was worth a certain amount of lost sleep. She smiled at him. "It's a deal."

    It was nearing dawn when Mulder exited the freeway and pulled written instructions from his pocket. Scully read them off to him and soon they found themselves on a long dirt road leading deep into pasture land. They stopped at a particularly large green hill. "I think that's it," Mulder said. Scully looked at the directions again and agreed.

    "We'll leave the car here," he said. "Then we'll go around that side," he pointed to the right. "We can take cover behind that haystack."

    They did so just in time, too, for as the sun began to rise, they heard a disembodied voice that seemed to come straight from the hill, accompanied by what seemed to be music. They were too far away to make out what was being said, or even the language being spoken.

    But they forgot all about that in the shock of what happened next, when four large, brightly-colored figures emerged as if by magic from the hillside.

    Mulder was too excited even to say, "I told you so," to Scully, whose jaw had dropped in utter disbelief. He was jumping up and down in seeming mimicry of the creatures who were either jumping or possibly dancing.

    "We can't really see all that well," Scully said petulantly. "They could be anything."

    With a grin Mulder whipped out his binoculars, and bowing with a show of mock gallantry, he handed them to Scully. What she saw amazed her even further. "Mulder, they seem to be at least partially mechanical in nature. Or possibly they are entirely artificial life forms."

    Mulder grabbed the binoculars and took a closer look at the creatures. "I don't see that, Scully. They look too animated to be robots. They obviously have emotions. Hell, they look like they're having fun. There are plenty of examples of antennae occurring in nature . . ."

    "In insects, yes, Mulder. Not in higher animals. And no living creature I know of has a video screen in its stomach."

    "Not in *this* world, Scully, " he said smugly.

    "All the same, there must be a logical, rational, reasonable, scientific, provable, quantifiable explanation for all this."
   
    Mulder waited. And waited. And then he took pity on Scully, "I appreciate that you can't possibly make a judgment with so little data, Scully. Let's try to move in closer. So far they seem harmless enough."

    "They *seem* harmless," Scully said, drawing her weapon, "But remember that many creatures in nature are harmless until threatened or cornered. Let's watch our step."

    So slowly, warily, they approached the strange creatures, guns at the ready but not obviously so. As they got closer, though. They heard the voice again. This time they were close enough to hear that it was coming from a tube rising out of the ground. At the sound of the voice, the creatures, who had failed to notice the FBI agents, scurried around to the other side of the hill.

    "What do you suppose that voice is, Scully?" Mulder asked, looking into the tube the voice had come out of as though it contained the answers to all the mysteries of life.

    "I have no idea, Mulder, but I could have sworn it was speaking English. With a British accent."

    "Well, I told you they've been in England. Maybe they're trying to learn the language."

    "Did you notice how quickly they responded to the voice, Mulder? I'm thinking we have some sort of hive mentality here. That was the voice of their leader--they automatically respond to it. Quite possibly, they are analogous to drones."

    "Oh, God, not giant bees," Mulder groaned.

    "Well, worker ants, then, if you like that better, Mulder. Anyway, let's keep going around the hill."

    As they rounded the hill they saw a sealed door. They approached it and through it could hear vague sounds of excitement coupled with strange mechanical gurgling sounds.

    "It sounds like they're manufacturing something in there, Scully," Mulder said excitedly.

    "Yes, but what? And why here?"

    "Well, it's relatively isolated. No one would have any reason to come back here. And the hill just looks like a hill from the other side."

    "Mulder, what if I'm right, and they aren't organic, or are only nominally so. Maybe they are manufacturing more of themselves. With a hive mentality directed from a central location, by a voice they can receive through their antennae--"

    "They could be very useful in a takeover plot," Mulder finished grimly. "And those screens on their stomachs--"

    "Could be used as tools of mass hypnosis," Scully completed.

    Just then a gooey pink substance came squirting out under and around the door, accompanied by noises of dismay. "Run, Scully!" Mulder shouted. "It could be toxic!"

    Racing the river of pink, the two agents took cover behind a large boulder. They watched as the four creatures came running out, hollering and jumping up and down frantically. Now Mulder and Scully could make out some of their sounds.

    "Are they saying 'Noo-Noo,' Scully?" Mulder asked.

    "Whatever that is," Scully replied.

    Just then a very odd contraption that looked a lot like a giant vacuum cleaner emerged from the hill and began sucking up the pink stuff.

    "Look at that, Mulder! That proves my point! That's a machine but it has some organic features and apparently at least a rudimentary intelligence."

    "Wouldn't something like that be useful in cleaning up oil spills?" Mulder mused, amazed at how quickly and completely the machine did away with the mess.

    Now the creatures surrounded the machine, crowing delightedly and acting for all the world as if they were hugging it. They were close enough to Mulder and Scully that there was no doubt as to their words: "Clever Noo-Noo!"

    Scully whispered, "Their English is rudimentary. They must be more organic than I originally though or else their creators would just load English into their memory banks."

    "This is a puzzle. I don't know how much of your hypothesis I agree with, but there's only one way to learn more."

    The creatures chose this moments to return to their den in the hill, but soon they came back out, presenting an odder aspect than ever. The green one was wearing an enormous spotted hat. The yellow one was bouncing a giant ball. The purple one was carrying a red pocketbook and the red one was riding on a scooter. The yellow one proceeded to put on a tulle skirt and then the red one chased it on the scooter, going insanely fast and coming perilously close to Mulder and Scully's hiding place, all the while shouting, "Fidit, fidit! Mar, mar, mon!"

    "*That's* not English, Scully,"

    "It's an Asian language--tonal. Mandarin, possibly," she said.

    "Could this be linked to the Chinese?" Mulder asked. "All that spying crap? How boring." He looked disappointed.

    "Don't jump to conclusions, Mulder. Look at them now." The purple and the green ones were tugging back and forth good-naturedly on a large piece of string. "Let's go try to make contact."

    Slowly and carefully, trying not to startle the creatures, Mulder and Scully approached. The red and yellow creatures returned and stood with the others, waiting curiously.

    When they were close enough, Mulder said, "Hello."

    "Eh-oh!" the creatures chimed variously.

    "We're FBI agents and we'd like to ask you a few questions," Mulder said after a pause, looking at Scully helplessly.

    Scully rolled her eyes. "Haven't you ever watched Star Trek, Mulder?" she asked witheringly. "Hi," she said to the largest creature, the purple one, assuming it might be the leader. "We want to be friends. What are your names?"

    The creatures burst into song.

    "Tinky-Winky!"

    "Dipsy!"
   
    "Laa-Laa!"

    "Po!"

    "Mulder!" he chimed in.

    "Scully," she added dourly.

    "Eh-oh, Mul-der! Eh-oh, Scul-lee!" they said joyfully.

    "Could you show us where you live?" The creatures, who called themselves Teletubbies, were very obliging. Mulder and Scully toured the hill inside and out. When they were finished they played ball; they rode the scooter; Mulder even tried on the skirt.

    Later, their new friends fed them some of the pink stuff--which turned out to be nothing more than custard--and some toast to make up for the breakfast they'd missed. They sang songs for them and did dances and showed movies on their tummy screens. They played together all day.

    Mulder and Scully decided that this was one of those situations that simply would have to remain unexplained. At dusk, they bid their new friends good-bye and promised to come back soon. Then they watched the Teletubbies retreat into the hill.

    Scully slept all the way back to her apartment. Mulder gently shook her awake when they got there and said, "Scully, can I come up? I want to talk to you for a minute."

    "O.K.," she agreed.

    He wouldn't sit down when they went in, just stood nervously shifting from one foot to the other.

    "Scully, I just want to say--I know it was inconsiderate of me to wake you up in the middle of the night. And to drag you out into the middle of nowhere without explaining why. And I know it seemed like a wild goose chase, but you came anyway. You always do, I don't know why but you always do. And I want you to know I appreciate it."

    Scully rolled her eyes.

    "I mean, no one else ever believes me. You--you're my one in five billion."

    Scully yawned.

    "You--you keep me honest. You make me a whole person. I owe you everything."

    "Oh, brother," Scully said. "Spit it out already, Mulder. What exactly are you trying to say?"

    Suddenly, Mulder grinned. He opened his arms wide. "Mulder loves Scully *very* much!"

    There was only on thing to say. "Big Hug!" Scully replied.

    And they did!

THE END


AUTHOR'S NOTES: Possibly you have to be a parent to get this one. Anyway, I think the Teletubbies are sweet. I promise not to write a Barney crossover. Or at least, if I do write one, he will be the embodiment of all that is evil and will die a horrible death.


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